Welcome to Biker Humor

 

 

 

 

A Man And His Alligator
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.

Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle

Lifes Reflections

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
 

Arthur Davidson In Heaven

Arthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is this; you can hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours...."!
 

 

Information To Ponder

Counter Steering
If you push the left bar, the bike goes left.
If you push the right bar, the bike goes right.
That is, unless you keep pushing the right bar all the way, then you will probably go left while the bike swaps ends.

Crashing
Remember riding isn't inherently dangerous...crashing is.

The Sidelines
It's always better to be on the sidelines wishing you were on the track than on the track wishing you were on the sidelines.

Fuel
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Rear Wheel
The rear wheel is just a big fan used to keep the rider cool and his butt relaxed. If in doubt... watch. When it locks up or slides out you can actually see the rider start sweating and pucker marks are left on the seat.

Too Slow
No one has ever hit something too slow.

Rides
A 'good' ride is one you can walk away from.
A 'great' ride is one you can walk away from and use the bike again.

Getting Hit
They can't hit you if you're not there.

Mistakes
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Traction
When traction is sparse, the probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of lean. Large angle of lean, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Your Brain
Never let a motorcycle take you somewhere your brain didn't go five seconds earlier.

Fog
Stay out of fog. The single red taillight you think is another rider ahead that you can catch, might be the red starboard light of a docked boat.

Parking
Always try to keep the number of times you park the bike equal to the number of times you've ridden it.

Luck & Experience
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

Mirrors
If all you can see in your mirrors is the direction you were previously traveling intermingled with sparks, and all you can hear is commotion from the passenger riding pillion; things are not at all as they should be.

Other Objects
In the ongoing battle between objects made of metal, rubber and plastic going dozens of miles per hour, and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. Same holds for cars, trucks, walls and most animals. Draws don't count.

Judgements
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

Going Forward
It's always a good idea to keep the headlight end going forward as much as possible.

Looking
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Laws
Remember, gravity and centrifugal force are not just good ideas. They're laws not subject to repeal.

Christmas Gifts
A boy, on his shiny new red bike he got for Christmas, pulled up next to a mounted policeman .
The cop looks down from his horse and says "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring it for you?"
The boy replies, "Yes he did."
The cop says, "Next time ask Santa for a tail light for that bike."
"Ok," says the kid.
Before pulling off the boy says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring it for you?"
Humoring the boy, the cop says, "Yes."
The boy says, "Well next year ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on the top."

The Train Ride
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married."
The man happily says, "OK. Brilliant!"
The woman says "Good ... get your own blanket."

 

 

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

Bikers Malcolm, Frank, and Rod were waiting for entrance into Heaven.
St. Peter walked up to Malcolm and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Malcolm thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be riding that little
green Suzuki over there."

St. Peter approached Frank and asked the same question. Frank answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be riding the red 600 Kawasaki Ninja.

St. Peter stepped up to Rod and repeated the question. Without pause, Rod answered, "Never!"
St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be riding that gold Ducati 996."

Grinning from ear to ear, Rod approaches the bike, but when he reaches the beautiful Ducati, he suddenly lays his head on the tank and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter?

You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be riding a choice Ducati for the rest of eternity." Rod replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the old beat-up Vespa?
That's my wife!"


 

 

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's $10. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's $5. Go to Walmart and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."


 

 

My Motorcycle has never let me down.

A Motorcycle never leaves the seat up.

A Motorcycle will go as fast as you want, as long as you want without finishing before you're ready.

A Motorcycle will let you ride as many times in one day as you want.

Your Motorcycle won't get embarrassed for making noise right along with you.

You are always in control without having to hear any complaints or grumbles.

You can just be satisfied with one position.

Motorcycles go with your mood.

You can ride a motorcycle and it will last longer than a woman.

Motorcycles keep going until we have arrived together.

Your bike doesn't care what time of the month we are in.

Your bike doesn't have a spare tire.

Motorcycles are better then women because they don't make you do something perverted just because you are wearing leather.

Motorcycles are better than women because they have a kill switch.

Motorcycles are better than women because there is nothing quite like having nothing but horsepower throbbing between your legs.

When motorcycles spring a leak the only place it splashes is on the road

When you grip a motorcycle with your thighs it doesn't think you're being kinky.

Motorcycles will never tell you it's time to stop riding and settle down.

Motorcycles can't get you pregnant.

Motorcycles know when it's too cold to ride. Motorcycles don't ask you to cook dinner.

Motorcycles don't roll over and pass out after you've gone for a ride

 

What Kind Of Biker Are You?

1) When you ride by a cop, do you expect: a) A return of your friendly wave b) A day in traffic school c) A high-speed chase

2)What type of motorcycle training have you had? a) MSF and ERC b) Superbike school c) Bike dealer showed me how to shift

3)Proper riding attire is: a) Aerostich suit b) Torn red, white, and blue racing leathers c) Oakley blades

4)Which do you spend the most money on? a) Gas b) Tires c) Plastic

5)How did you pay for your bike: a) Cash b) Credit c) Mom)

6)Who is your favorite famous motorcyclist? a) Malcom Forbes b) Eddie Lawson c) Mike Tyson

7) Do you pass other vehicles: a) Only when legal b) Only when safe c) By forcing them off the road

8)What was the first modification to your bike? a) Premium tires b) A loud exhaust c) A neon paint job

9)When you give someone their first ride on a motorcycle, they: a) Compliment you on what an enjoyable time they had b) Clutch your stomach with a death grip c) Invariably fall off

10) After a close call, do you: a) Evaluate what you can do to avoid this in the future b) Promise yourself you'll settle down c) Brag to your friends

11). A helmet should be: a) DOT or SNELL approved b) Replaced after a crash c) Bungied to the back of the bike

12) Riding in groups can be advantageous because: a) It makes you more visible to other motorists b) There is always help when someone crashes c) There is always someone to race

13) Which is the worse accident you've had: a) Tipped bike over on steep driveway b) Low-speed fall in gravel-filled turn c) Rear-ended police cruiser

14) Which calendar do you own: a) Honda Street Rage b) GP Racers c) Bikes, Babes, and Bikinis

15) A pre-ride inspection consists primarily of: a) Checking the operation of the controls and the condition of the brakes b) Checking the tires and footpegs to see how far over you're getting c) Checking your hair in the mirror

16) When sitting at a stoplight you should: a) Keep your hands on the controls and scan your mirrors b) Try to anticipate the green light c) Rev the engine to attract attention

17) Is your speed governed by: a) The posted speed limit b) The laws of physics c) Who's around to show off to.

 

18)What motorcycling skill do you most value? a) Counter steering b) Hanging off c) Burnouts

Analysis of answers: If you answered (a) to most questions, you are the consummate gentleman biker. Regardless of the marque you ride, you are consistently kind to children, animals, and other living creatures. You contribute generously to charity, and attend the annual Policeman's Ball without fail. You ride to work in a three-piece suit, protected by your Aerostich riding gear. If you answered (b) to most questions, you are an avid rider who truly feels the need for speed. You are keenly concerned with trying to identify new riding techniques that will put you at the front of the pack, and enjoy practicing late braking, late apexing, and late nights with equal enthusiasm. If you answered (c) to most questions, you are more than likely the quintessential squid. Uninsurable, and loved only by yourself and Mom, not even a sledgehammer could knock sense into your thick skull.

If Bikers Ran The Country

The wearing of ties to work by men would be frowned on, as would the wearing of bras and panties for women.

The opening days of Sturgis and Daytona would be national holidays.

Third world dictators would be dealt with in the same manner as one would deal with a wino who just puked on his scoot.

All money from traffic violations would go into a huge keg fund.

Anyone who used a firearm to defend his home or property from vandals would have a street named after him.

Tattoos would be funded by the National Endowment for the Arts.

The money currently being spent on Mars probes and other useless junk would be used to fund research into finding the cure for the common hangover.

Sexual harassment laws would be more open to interpretation and would allow for the fact that most men are really basically just pigs.

Global warming would be encouraged since riding in the snow is such a pain in the ass.

 

Biker Wisdom

Midnight Bugs taste Best

Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.

NEVER argue with a woman holding a torque wrench.

Never try to race an old Geezer, he may have one more gear than you.

Home is where your Bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.

You'll get farther down the road if you learn to use more than two fingers on the front brake.

Routine maintenance should never be neglected.

It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed.

The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.

Never be afraid to slow down.

Only Bikers understand why dogs love to stick their heads out car windows.

Harley's don't leak oil; they mark their territory.

Never ask a biker for directions if you're in a hurry to get there.

Don't ride so late into the night that you sleep through the sunrise.

Pie and Coffee are as important as gasoline.

Sometimes it takes a whole tankful of gas before you can think straight.

If you want to get a job, you may have to compromise your principals. You may even have to shave.

Riding faster than everyone else only guarantees you'll ride alone.

Never hesitate to ride past the last street light at the edge of town.

Never mistake Horsepower for staying power. A good rider has balance, judgment, and good timing. So does a good lover.

A cold hamburger can be reheated quite nicely by placing it in the crotch between the two cylinders.

Never do less then Forty miles before breakfast.

If you don't ride in the rain-you don't ride.

A Harley on the road is worth 2 in the shop.

Respect the person who has seen the Dark side of motorcycling and lived.

Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.

A good wrench will let you watch without charging you for it.

Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.

Always back your bike into the curb-and sit where you can see it.

Work to ride-Ride to work.

Whatever it is, it's better in the wind.

Two lane blacktop isn't a highway-it's a mindset.

When you look down the road, it seems to never end-but you better believe it does.

A biker can smell a party 2500 miles away.

Winter is Natures way of telling you to polish.

Keep your bikes in good repair.

riding boots are NOT comfortable for walking.

People are like Harleys, each is customized a bit differently.

If the bike ain't braking properly, you don't start by rebuilding the engine.

Remember to pay as much attention to your partner as you do your carburetor.

Sometimes the best communication happens when you're on separate bikes.

Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.

Good coffee should be indistinguishable from 60 weight motor oil.

The best alarm clock is sunshine on Chrome.

Learn to do counterintuitive things that may someday save your butt.

The twisties- not the superslabs- separate the bikers from the squids.

When you're riding lead--don't spit.

If you really want to know what's going on, watch what's happening at least 5 cars ahead.

Don't make a reputation you'll have to live down or run away from later.

If the person in the next lane at the stoplight rolls up the window and locks the door, support their view of life by snarling at them.

A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere to get you when you're broken down.

If she changes her oil more than she changes her mind--follow her.

If you want to get somewhere before sundown, you can't stop at every tavern.

There's something ugly about a NEW Harley on a trailer.

Don't lead the pack if you don't know where you're goin'.

Sleep with one arm thru the spokes and keep your pants on.

Practice wrenching on your own bike.

Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don't. Some can't.

Beware the biker who says the bike never breaks down.

Some bikes run on 99-octane ego.

Owning 2 bikes is useful because at least one can be raided for parts at any given time.

You'll know she loves you if she offers to let you ride her bike. Don't do it and she'll love you even more.

Don't argue with an 18-wheeler.

Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit.

Maintenance is as much art as it is science.

A good long ride can clear your mind, restore your faith, and use up a lot of gasoline.

If the countryside seems boring, stop, get off your bike, and go sit in the ditch long enough to appreciate what was here before the asphalt came.

re important than the other.

Patience is the ability to keep your motor idling when you feel like stripping your gears.

If you can't get it goin' with bungee cords and electricians tape-it's serious.

If you ride like there's no tomorrow-there won't be.

Bikes parked out front mean good chicken-fried steak inside.

If you want to complain about the pace being set by the road captain, you better be prepared to lead the group yourself.

Gray-haired bikers don't get that way from pure luck.

There are drunken bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunken bikers.

Thin leather looks good in the bar, but it won't save you from "road rash" if you go down.

The best modifications cannot be seen from the outside.

Always replace the cheapest parts first.

You can forget what you do for a living when your knees are in the breeze. No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.

It takes both pistons and cylinders to make a bike run. One is not mo

 

Murphy's 10 Laws Of Biking

 

1)A motorcycle cannot fall over without an audience.

2)The odds of a motorcycle falling over are directly proportional to the size of the audience and of the owner's ego. (Newness and expense of the bike are contributing factors.)

3)Motorcycles are to yellow bugs as aircraft carriers once were to Kamikaze pilots.

4)You will not feel the need to go to the restroom until after you have put on your rainsuit.

5)The fact that your keys are still in your pants pocket will only become apparent after you have put on your gloves.

6)Quick fixes are so named for how long they stay fixed.

7)The only part you really need will also be the only part on permanent backorder.

8)Nothing is harder to start than a used motorcycle being shown to a prospective buyer.

9)You will never suffer a punctured tire on the road until you leave the repair kit at home.

10)"Universal" accessories are so named because that is what you must search to find the bike they fit.